How to Get the Right Man
What do you want out of your personal life? Do you just want one short-term relationship after another? Are you waiting for the right guy to come along? Well even if he does you probably won't even know it.
Outlined below are the exact steps you need to make yourself into a vibrant, interesting, fun person; help attract the man of your dreams; and help him commit to you. Please be patient and receptive. Even if some ideas are "old news" to you, you will certainly learn a thing or two by the time you finish reading! Make sure you do not dismiss these ideas off hand. Each one of these steps have been done by many, many women before you successfully. Give each tip at least 1-2 months of HONEST effort before dismissing it. There are mainly three ways how a man chooses a particular woman, these are: preset preferences, desire for you, and/or feelings for you (woman). How does one get one or two of these?
Steps
Contents
if (window.showTocToggle) { var tocShowText = "show"; var tocHideText = "hide"; showTocToggle(); }Attracting a Man
- Be prepared. Attracting a man can be extremely frustrating - if you are unsure about what to do. However, with confidence and a little bit of experience behind you, finding a man can be a snap!
- The first tip of dating is to imagine the type of man you're looking for.
- Figure it out and write it all down. The top of the list should have "respectful!" Typically, "responsible, respectful, honest" are keys, and the list shouldn't go much beyond that. You should have these same traits when dealing with men. If you find your list goes on and on, you might have some soul-searching to do.
- Once you have figured out this man, imagine where that type of person would be.
- Would he be hanging out at a bar?
- Or, more likely, would you find him golfing, hiking, getting an education, or pursuing some other similar activity?
- Make a list of 10 places that you would want your future husband to frequent. From art galleries to bookstores, anything goes as long as you are legitimately personally interested in what happens there and would choose to go there on your own.
- Now make a point of going to those places whenever possible - as long as you continue your own, fulfilling personal life. You've probably already found that you are meeting more men just by pursuing your passions!
- You should dress in whatever way makes you feel comfortable and confident.
- However, especially if you are looking for a husband, never feel that you should have to dress in a sexually provocative way to attract a man.
- All men are a little different, of course - but if you want to dress like a lady, don't feel you need to dress more sexual than that - you will attract men who are looking for a lady.
- In general, women dressed in a way that is either too sexual or too prudish have a harder time finding men to commit.
- In either case, women appear to men as if they're not being themselves. A woman who dresses in an overly sexy way looks like she's trying too hard to get attention; a woman who is dressed in an overly conservative way looks like she's suppressing her natural self.
- Make a point of confidently expressing who you are, instead of seeking approval or validation through your clothing.
- Know that the best flirting skills are physical ones. This doesn't mean you should be overtly sexual.
- When you see a man who interests you, make eye contact and smile. The classic look you'll see is this: a woman makes eye contact; she notices the man watching her, blushes, and looks down; then she bravely draws her eyes back up and smiles again.
- That description may be a bit too demure or feminine for your style, but adaptations on it hit a chord for men.
- However, confidence is key, and subservience rarely is attractive to good men (unless that is your cultural norm).
- Keep making eye contact and smiling, although don't be creepy.
- If he looks shy and isn't approaching you after awhile, give him a wink; but if he looks uncomfortable and avoids eye contact, pick a different target.
- Once he approaches you, lean back and relax.
- Now is his turn to talk to you. But have fun. Joke with him.
- Gently tease him a little, nicely (not sexually).
- Tell him one thing exciting in your life, but focus on asking him about his life and commenting on it positively.
- If you're still attracted and he makes you laugh, touch his arm.
- Don't look at your hand, but notice how he reacts.
- Continue to touch him at intervals. If he starts to look uncomfortable, back off with both your body language and energy level.
- Your smile is the key, however - men love to make women they love smile. He should initiate from there.
- Remember that although forcing yourself to be more masculine works for business, it is not necessarily a good thing when dating. If you are naturally masculine, that is fine - just don't suppress your natural femininity artificially.
- Realize that many men love the process of pursuing a woman.
- This doesn't mean you should play games with him.
- It does, however, mean that often men like to initiate a kiss, initiate sex, say "I love you" first, ask a woman on a date, ask her to be his girlfriend and ask her to be his wife.
- However, there are obviously some cases where men are shy and therefore don't like to make the first move.
- This can happen at times when you either haven't given them enough encouragement or they're simply shy.
- During the first meeting, after you've made a connection and closer to when you both have to leave, mentioning a restaurant you've been itching to go to, some hobbies you like, or the fact that your activities for that weekend have fallen through may help to bring the process along.
- Remember, during dating, that while it is fun to get carried away with your emotions, it is also fun to just sit back and enjoy the moment without expectations. Especially on the first date, sit back, relax, and keep an open mind.
- Don't worry about a label at first; just date and enjoy each other.
- Take a deep breath and just laugh. A great part of the fun is the innocent, initial stages of getting to know each other and wondering how the other person feels. Don't rush things.
- If things work out, he'll be calling you his girlfriend before you know it.
- How to get one to seven passes or flirts a week from men
- Go out about six times a week to a busy area like a mall, downtown streets, dance. The man or men must not be with another woman or with his childeren. Other people will be there, but this works best when there are no others within the talk space.
- When walking do not look at the ground for too long but look in the directions of people's eye levels. Do not walk too fast.
- Walk into his or their talk space; the talk space is when audio and visual communications are clear enough. Glance briefly at least once at his eyes. Keep him or them in your field of view; do not face your back to him for too long. Do not leave the area too soon.
- Put on decent make up and grooming. Do not wear smelly clothing.
- Do not put on a sour face, but a neutral or glad facial expression.
- The clothing must be feminine with feminine colours. Show some of your calves. The dress must not be oversized; should fit snugly but need not be too revealing. Wear clothes that you feel you look good in.
- Do not woddle as a habit. Relax your body and allow it to sway freely as you walk. Do not be stiff; allow feminine body movements when working or walking; this is attractive to men.
- Permit greeting and eye contact if he initiates greeting.
- Understand that the most important part of finding a man is the dating process. This is where many women, unfortunately, go wrong.
- When a man goes on a date, he's of course interested in sex.
- But if he is looking for a relationship or marriage, he is more interested in getting to know the woman and seeing if she is the type of woman he could spend his life with. This is a slow process.
- He watches for clingy women who make him feel uncomfortable, and focus on finding fulfilled, interesting women who like him as he is.
- He doesn't want a woman who will take any man and then seek to change him; he is looking for a woman who doesn't need a man, but likes him in particular.
- So men are almost more serious about the dating process than women, and slower to commit because they are very selective.
- When a man feels like things are getting too serious too soon, before he's ready - such as sex before he feels he knows the woman well - he may run out the door out of fear of committing to someone he isn't sure about yet.
- The man must take leadership in the courtship. Do not initiate a date. Do not end a date unless it is over three hours long.
- Mist women do not reveal personal information to men until the man says his information. Do not reveal important personal information about your self too early.
- Do not be affraid of giving him your telephone number; it is only for a few short chats or setting up a date, not a marriage at this first meeting.
- Be aware that men often have a time in life when they feel ready to marry.
- Before that period, they often: are at an unstable financial period - in school or early in their career; date to "sow their oats" rather than dating seriously; and spend much more time engaged in risk-taking behaviors (although men will always thirst for some risk and "hunt," and will feel unhappy if deprived of it completely).
- Once a man starts to get bored of drinking and casual dating, gets more serious in his career, and reaches other bench marks of adulthood - such as buying a house - he begins to think about marriage.
- In some rare cases, a woman may cause the transition process to happen earlier than it would have, but this process must come when the man is ready, not through begging, pleading, ultimatums, and other behaviors that men interpret as desperate or undesirable.
- Men will do this because of a girl, not because they are convinced to. Women who cause this change are typically very mature (especially emotionally), holding a man to a higher standard that he admires; but still fun, youthful, and engaging; "lady-like" as that man defines a lady; but still enthusiastic and fun in bed; interesting, exciting, spontaneous; but stable enough that he sense loyalty in her.
- Men are typically changed because they sense this woman is a one-of-a-kind opportunity they don't want to let go of, a confident, self-assured, fun and interesting woman who is not asking for validation or clingy, who he can't manipulate, but who is still loving and affectionate and appreciates him in bed.
- Learn from them (it is possible). Women could probably take a couple of pages from this generalization of the behavior of many men.
- First, it is important to have a fun period of life so that they feel personally fulfilled and don't resent others in the future, particularly their husband or children.
- Next, it is also important to have fun dating, not worrying about making commitments before they truly know men, and (when pursuing serious relationships) ejecting men who are unsuitable early so they can meet more suitable candidates.
- Being overly picky is not ideal, but women should not tolerate disrespect.
- The first month or so of dating will be filled with chemistry, but it is important for women to also take the time to "screen" men, in the same way that men screen women, to make sure their date is someone they truly want to allow themselves to get emotionally involved in.
- Realize that many men are perfectly willing to date a woman and be sexually intimate with her without any plans of marrying her.
- In fact, many men date women for years that they have no intention of marrying.
- It is therefore important to make sure that women are clear that sex does not necessarily mean as much to many men as it does to many women, and can subject women to a lot more emotional vulnerability than men.
- This does not indicate that men are not emotionally involved in sex, and men often do feel hurt when a woman accuses them of "using" her.
- Still, it is important not to read into the meaning of sexual activity.
- This is something that can be seen on a hormonal level, as oxytocin (a hormone which causes the connection sensation) is released during and after sex, but is blunted in men by the release of testosterone.
- Know that every stage of the relationship should be reciprocated.
- In the early stages of flirting, if a man is not returning advances, it is wise for a woman to move on to one of the other 3 Billion men available on the planet. There are plenty of good guys around, it just takes a little time and a lot of first dates to find them.
- Men are very careful to make sure they know a woman before they commit to her.
- While some very shy men appreciate when a woman lets a man know she's interested, men are often frightened off by women who make very strong advances, especially of a sexual nature.
- This is because a man who does not feel that he knows a woman very well will presume that very interested women must not be basing their desire for him on any part of his own personality.
- He will therefore perceive advances as indications that she is desperate for any man, instead of interested specifically in him.
- When a man has not considered the idea of a longer commitment with a woman, talking about marriage before dating at least a year (unless he brings it up first), referring to children, weddings, or any other type of strong commitment set of warning signals in a man's mind.
- In general, a man who is very interested in a woman will make no mystery of it, will pursue her relentlessly, and suggest marriage first.
- Understand that in sum, men are very selective. When they are dating for fun, they are not as selective.
- However, when they reach the point where they are interested in marriage, they are slow and careful to get to know women.
- If a woman is anxious to commit before a man has considered the idea, he may believe her to be "desperate" and therefore avoid her.
- However, when a man meets a mature, "lady-like" (as he defines it), fun, interesting, fulfilled woman who is not desperate, he is more likely to see her interest as genuine, and may make himself ready for marriage sooner so that he won't lose her.
- Between the sheets! Is there a correct time or way?
- Some people would suggest waiting until marriage.
- Others think the first night is fine.
- There are plenty of examples of both methods both working and failing miserably. As with all things, a little moderation mixed with your own sense of self and confidence in yourself and your intuition is key. This is risky if you are looking for a long term relationship; "why buy the cow when he can get the milk for free". He can say he wants a long term relationship to get sex, but is this realy so?
- Your behavior should follow whatever you feel comfortable with. Men often can sense when a woman is acting in a way that is just to please him, including getting involved in sexual activity before you feel comfortable doing so.
- In the mind of men, there are two types of women: women they date and/or have sex with, and women they marry.
- It is, of course, not fair - but it is how men are hard-wired. Women are often the same - dating rebels and "cool guys" but settling down with the "nicer" guys.
- While this may not effect the way you date for fun, it may effect how you date for marriage. When a man meets a woman at a bar, does not know her well, sees her in very suggestive clothing, and sleeps with her the same night, even while he may argue that he respects her for being sexually liberated, it is very difficult for him to know whether this is her usual pattern of behavior or not.
- While men enjoy the sex, men are as emotionally fragile as women and are afraid of getting hurt by being cheated on. While men appreciate a woman who has some experience in bed and has enthusiasm for sex, they are also looking for a loyal partner. Do not tell or reveal about your past and current lovers; keep a lid on it and hope it never shows up. This is one reason why you should be cautious about having sexual relationships. If you are dating other men, do not tell or reveal about your other dates. Do not try to date two men at the same time and at the same place. She comes through the door for party with brother; usually this is a poor idea. Most men prefer a sweetheart that is only for him, like you.
- Even if the logic does not make sense, just like many women, men can be scared when they suspect a woman has had many partners because they are afraid that if they do not perform well in bed, the woman will leave them or cheat on them. How should this effect your behavior? It does not necessarily imply that you should wait just to satisfy his insecurities - but it does imply that just because you know he wants to have sex or he is pressuring you for sex, it does not mean you should have sex if you are not ready.
- Be ready. When it comes to sexual behavior within a relationship, often women do get involved before they are truly ready.
- Men tend to respect women who wait until they are ready, because men tend to suspect that women who don't wait are either not respecting their own desire to wait or suspect that they are the type who might cheat on him.
- As it concerns serious relationships, the period before sex occurs is the courting period for men.
- Many men also enjoy a woman who allows them the opportunity to court her. The period of dating before sex can be a very fun time to get to know your partner.
- This period is pressure-free for both parties, as no commitment has been made. For that reason, it can be beneficial to allow yourself to just sit back and date, having no expectations of a relationship or sex until you feel that you really know the personality of the person you are dating.
- This can help you to leave a relationship you don't think will turn out well without being too emotionally involved to have a clear head about it.
- Every couple is different. Some people spend a day together and feel that they have known each other for their whole lives.
- Some people warm to each other gradually. In general, relaxing, having fun, really getting a strong grip of the other person, and just dating before sex can help to reduce both the man's fear of committing to a relationship before he is ready, establish your own insistence on being respected, and allow either party to back out if they realize after a few weeks that the relationship will not work.
- Watch for hints. While each person will find their own time when they feel comfortable initiating sex, there are some hints which may help the decision to be made.
- Some of the best advice that can be given is based on experience of others who have been though the situation and either are happy with their decision or can point to reasons why they regretted it.
- These are, of course, simply opinions, and only you can make your final decision.
- One of the largest obstacles in the decision is the fact that sex can have the effect of bonding two people emotionally in a way that makes it more difficult to separate based on logic after sex has occurred.
- First, the decision should be made when you feel completely comfortable in every way, trusting the man, and not having any unresolved doubts about him. #*# It should be made before the night you anticipate initiating sex, not "on the spot".
- You should feel that you really know and understand him, beyond how he acts when he is on "good behavior" - in other words, that he is unreserved and you "connect" with him.
- Your decision should not be effected by his desires for sex. While the early months of a relationship can be extremely emotionally exciting due to a large number of hormonal factors, it is important not to ignore doubts you may have about the man and how he treats you.
- Are you with this person because of him, or are you thinking, "Well, it would be hard to find someone else?" If you are dating this person while specifically looking for a husband, think about whether you would actually be friends with this person and respect them if you no longer had such intense emotions towards them.
- Make sure you are not tempted to get engaged with sex just because you are looking for affection from him.
- In general, it is important to remember that chemistry and emotions can cloud judgment at times.
- Therefore waiting (depending on how well you get to know him and how often you see him) for a period of 1-3 months will have the benefits of not only allowing you to objectively evaluate your true thoughts on the man, but also to show him that you respect yourself and do not fall for "lines" or pressure.
- This is an excellent precedent to establish early in a relationship. However, if you feel you need to wait longer, do wait longer, or perhaps end the relationship if you still have doubts after 6 months or so (however, the younger you are, the longer you should wait.
- No longer how sure both of you are about marriage and a future, it is always intelligent to wait until you are 18, as people do change quite a bit from year to year at that age).
- Waiting for this length of time does have the added benefit of getting rid of men who are only interested in sex.
- (Side note: While this may seem conservative, the writers have learned some of the following advice the hard way.)
- Until you have made the decision to have sex, out of respect for him and his emotions, it is smart to politely stay out of his house and keep him out of yours, saying goodbye at the door, and not listening when he asks to "cuddle".
- It is important to be nice and friendly about it, but firm. If you are waiting to have sex, it is only fair to avoid teasing him by resisting the temptation to: remove clothing; invite him to stay overnight; sleep with him; touch him in a sexual way; make overt suggestions about sex; or see him in private.
- Once you have made the decision to have sex with him, any and all of these things are fair game and will be interpreted as a "go" sign by him.
- Obviously it is smart to use whatever protection you feel comfortable with. This may include a condom, which is the only type of birth control that helps to protect against most sexually transmitted diseases. It is also wise to use a back-up method.
- Know that sexual activity can be fun, bonding, and fulfilling.
- It can also cause you to bond prematurely with someone you're not sure about, get pregnant with someone you're not ready to commit to, or contract a sexually transmitted disease.
- Remember to stay confident, wait until you're ready, not expose yourself to intimate situations before you've made the decision to get intimate, and use protection.
- Remember, even when screening, you may end up having sex with someone that later hurts you. This is an unfortunate situation, but you do have to expect respect, keep pursuing your passions, get support from your friends, and move on with your life, allowing time to heal the wounds.
- Do not punish future men with the mistakes of one man.
- Understand that is impossible to have a healthy relationship without a disagreement now and then. However, a lot of promising research that has emerged from the Gottman [1] and other institutions is giving our society a better idea of what behavior leads to healthy marriages.
- Surprisingly, the number of arguments a couple has is not the issue at hand.
- In fact, it was found that all couples have some unresolved issues, but successful couples are comfortably able to live with these issues.
- Suppressing emotions and pretending there is no problem causes some of the highest rates of divorce.
- Contempt, eye rolling, discounting the other person's opinion, and showing disrespect are also extremely predictive of marriage failure.
- Men are especially sensitive to criticism, and criticism and harshness towards men is a high predictor of divorce. Living together has been show to have no relationship to eventual marital success (and may even have a negative effect).
- Remember that "Flooding" a man with emotions is a high predictor of divorce.
- Talk to friends first, organize your thoughts, and focus on simply expressing your feelings instead of judgments. Instead of "You always..." say, "I felt sad or hurt or angry..."
- Know that couples who end up being successful, while in love, are not the couples who get married while still "starry-eyed".
- In fact, those couple are more likely to divorce. The strongest couples have settled down from the initial hormone rush to a more stable love before marriage.
- However, loss of love and affection is a more important determinant of divorce than conflict.
- According to one article covering Gottman's work, "Those who remained happily married were very "in love" and affectionate as newlyweds. They showed less ambivalence, expressed negative feelings less often and viewed their mate more positively than other couples. Most important, these feelings remained stable over time." From "WILL YOUR MARRIAGE LAST? A NEW QUIZ REVEALS THAT THE NEWLYWED YEARS CAN PREDICT THE LONG-TERM OUTCOME OF ALMOST EVERY MARRIAGE" By Aviva Patz, Psychology Today. April 23, 2000.
- Honesty, intimacy, and realism are important, and "whirlwind romances" rarely make it.
- Teenage marriages have 2-3 times the likelihood of divorce and waiting until age 22 to marry significantly decreases chance of divorce (however, waiting too long also has a negative influence on divorce rates and may signal overly picky behavior).
- The highest success is found between the ages of 23 to 27 (University of Texas sociology professor Norval Glenn. National Fatherhood Initiative).
- Premarital classes cut divorce rates by about a third.
- Know that similarity in values, backgrounds, and goals are a good predictor of success.
- College education is also a very strong predictor. Among educated people who wait until after college to marry, divorce rates are well below the national average of about 50%.
- Do not engage in 'intense' arguments. One important aspect that has emerged from the Gottman Institute is the importance of refusing to engage in overly emotional disagreements.
- When involved in arguments with a man, it is essential for you to maintain personal dignity.
- You should be more calm when arguing that you even are normally. While this is not quite fair, someone must be proactive and mature.
- Reasoning with a partner will only cause emotional withdrawal, which is, again, a high predictor for divorce.
- Over time, rising above and refusing to engage in volatile arguments will teach your partner to hold himself to a higher standard.
- At the very least, he will certainly respect you for not allowing him to disrespect you.
- If a fight begins to emerge, simply state, "I care about you and your opinion, but I will not have an emotionally charged argument with you. I will give you some time to gather your thoughts and come back (tonight, tomorrow, etc) to discuss this."
- This allows you to reassure him but still not allow yourself to be subjected to disrespect.
- Observe reactions to events. Another important factor, in research from Shelly Gable, shows that reactions to events in the partners life are highly predictive of success as well.
- In fact, Gable went as far as to say that the only "correct" reaction was an enthusiastic one praising the partner for positive developments, but added that an occasional passive reaction would not cause divorce.
- With the benefit of research, we now have a more realistic view of how marriage works. Emotional maturity, including resisting the urge to attack a man or flood him with emotion, are high predictors of success. Working constructively to address and resolve conflict instead of avoiding it, valuing your partner's opinions and emotions, and accepting irreconcilable differences are also strong indicators for success. Waiting until after college and a realistic image of your partner are also very important. With this realistic, research-based view of marriage, you have stronger tools to build a trusting base for your relationship.
- Look at the whole picture. So far, we've: created a very fulfilling life; learned to recharge our batteries and take care of ourselves so we have energy to put into our relationships; learned how men look at dating and marriage; looked at attracting men and the importance of sticking with what you're comfortable with, instead of trying to impress him; how to manage sex by respecting our intuition; and gotten a more realistic, research-centered perspective on what works and doesn't work in marriage. Now for the final step: techniques for keeping the man of your dreams at your side for life.
- As mentioned, it is extremely important to make a point of addressing issues when they arise.
- Blaming, being condescending, and other judgmental are not only useless, but highly predictive of failure.
- Instead, often simply stating feelings is enough. Practice saying the works, "I feel." "I feel sad... lonely... attacked... unhappy." Men live to make their women happy.
- That is one of the main reasons why they don't respond well to criticism - they feel inadequate. Men want to be their wife's hero.
- Allowing them to respond to your feelings, find a solution themselves (instead of having one suggested), and working to make their wives happy (rewarded by her happiness and smiling face) makes him a modern-day hero.
- Don't be needy or dependent. One of the keys to pursuing your own passions and having your own friendships is that you will not be needy and dependent on him. He will know that you have a lot going on.
- He knows that if he doesn't schedule a date and calls you last minute, you're probably out with your friends - so he calls in advance to schedule dates (this doesn't mean disrespecting him by getting drunk and flirting with guys, but a night out with the ladies, dinner and a movie, is appropriate fun).
- You also don't beg him for time alone. Just as it is important for you to have time with your friends, he must have time with his. That time he has, and the freedom you give him to have it, gives him time to miss you.
- Since you are busy, too, and he's missing you on his boy's night, you'll certainly see enough of him other nights.
- While it is important for a man to contribute to the household, it is also very important for you to watch for moments when your insecurity comes out.
- Instead of setting a curfew like a mother would, at those times when you feel pangs of jealousy or insecurity, ask yourself, "Have I sacrificed my dreams lately? When was the last time I pursued my hobbies or saw my friends?" Don't make excuses for lack of time - take action.
- Know that one difference between men and women is mental processing.
- Women tend to need a certain about of social time, often with other women, to help them process thoughts and feelings.
- Men, on the other hand, tend to need time along. Depriving a man of his "alone time" takes away his ability to recharge in the way he needs to.
- Attempting to force a man to "open up" will only make the process take longer. When a man feels that he is being analyzed or judged, he is far less likely to open up.
- Men need to feel safe, and have his thoughts and feelings validated and accepted, before he feels comfortable opening up to a woman.
- However, he still needs time alone, and women need to learn to respect this in the same way that men must respect a woman's need to have social interaction with other women.
- For a marriage to last, men must feel safe being able to express thoughts and feelings, particularly sadness.
- Learn how to express your feelings.
- The keys to dealing with your partner in relationship conflicts is expressing feelings and using the word "Regardless" - or withdrawing attention. "Regardless" is important, because no one can argue logic against emotion.
- However, while you may feel very emotional, take it out with exercise, talking to friends, or in other ways. Your conversation with your partner, even while expressing emotion, should be extremely calm and without visible emotion. Here are some examples:
- A man is calls you up at the last minute, asking for a late date. It will obviously lead to a late dinner, or more likely, a booty call. For whatever reason, you happen to be free that night - but of course, you were not waiting for his call as he hadn't scheduled a date. You simply had decided to stay in that night to pamper yourself. You ask him to drive over to your house. He insists you drive to his. You feel internal doubt... trust that instinct. Inside, you can tell he's trying to weasel from you what he can get at his convenience. Response? Withdraw attention. "Will you drive over here?" "No, you come to my house," he says. "It seems like tonight just won't be convenient for me. Perhaps we can get together next week." By not allowing him to disrespect you, particularly for sex, you show him you will stand up for yourself. Seeing that you won't let him get away with a more minor jerky-thing, he's less likely to be more of a jerk to you in the future, and will certainly respect you much more. A true jerk will show his true colors here - but the average guy will say, "Sorry, let's go on a real date next week." Expect your man to treat you well and he will.
- A man is not contributing around the home. Go to him and say, "I feel sad." [this is the base emotion, which will elicit compassion.] "Why?" he'll ask. "Because I feel overworked." "But I'm working hard, too," he says. "Regardless, I feel overworked. I feel a sense of unfairness." [Notice the focus is still on feelings, which can not be argued with.] "But I took out the garbage last week!" "I really appreciate that. Regardless, I feel overworked. I feel like I do more." He can no longer argue. He sighs. "What if I started doing the dishes every other night." "Oh! That would be great - but that feels overly complicated. Every other night. I would still feel burdened overall." "Ok, every night." "Oh, thank you so much! What a great idea! You're the best, sweetie!" Sparkle. Smile. Hug him. Thank him. Practice well - research has shown that if you want to be a successful parent, you'll need to reward your kid's chores (yes, the ones they're supposed to do without encouragement!) with the same enthusiasm. And you should be enthusiastic. Becoming complacent and not showing appreciation is a very negative trait. Now - sit back, and let him do it. He may do it later than you want. He may do it differently than you want. But don't touch those dishes, and expect them to be done- they will be. Then kiss him and smile - that's all he wants, to be your hero. Notice, clearly you don't suggest the solution. He comes up with it himself. Most importantly, you have to allow him to do it HIS way, even if he loads the dishes in a less that optimal way, he still did it and is your hero! This is the only part that may seem artificial to some - but it shouldn't be. First, because researchers have shown how important support is for behavior modification. But mostly because you should appreciate what your partner does for you, and that appreciation is an important part in showing the type of support and affection research has shown to be so important in a marriage.
- Note: if you are changing your strategy mid-relationship to a more mature manner of interacting, do not be surprised if you find conflict increasing before it settles down. You are changing the rules, which can be uncomfortable for him.
- Never treat your partner like a child - don't talk down to him, don't give him unsolicited advice, don't cast judgement on him, don't give him curfews or try to control him. Agree, if anything, to disagree about the way he does things. But accept the man as he is, appreciate him for who he is, don't try to change him. If you can't resist the urge, let him go for another girl who will appreciate him for him, not for what you consider to be his "potential". If you want unity find men similar to you by going to the right places. Get to know each other first ; do not marry too soon (within eight months of first sight) for a longer lasting marriage later.
- These important concepts are really about staying mature, respecting him, and expecting mutual respect. They have also been shown to be highly successful. By managing your own energy, time, and emotion, you will find the ability to be the stronger emotional force in the relationship leading to a lasting love and respect for the both of you.
The Key to Success
- Well, there you have it. The keys to success in a relationship.
- How to find the man of your dreams. Remember - it's about self-respect, self-improvement, trusting yourself, choosing the right partner and respecting your partner.
- With these tools and a strong resolve, you'll have no trouble finding a wonderful man who will treat you well!
Tips
- Ask him what he wants out of life.
- How does he plan on accomplishing those goals?
- What is he going to do to accomplish those goals?
- Do his goals fit in with your goals?
- Read the book "Men are from Mars / Women are from Venus" together. The name sounds lame, but it is a very enlightening book.
- Use every opportunity you get to learn more about him.
- Resources: Internet authors: Christian Carter; Rori Raye; Carol Allen.
- Resources: Books: "Why Men Love Bitches," by Sherry Argov.
- Read the book: "Secrets of the Ultimate Husband Hunter: How to Attract Men, Enjoy Dating and Recognize the Love of Your Life" by Nancy Nichols
Warnings
- If he doesn't want to talk to you about his future, he probably doesn't want to spend it with you.
- If he doesn't want to spend time improving your relationship, he probably doesn't care about it.
- "Birds of a feather flock together" If his friends are the wrong kind of people, he may well be too.
- If you are after the right man, don't play too many games with him. A man who catches on that a woman is using him to satisfy her own ego will more than likely turn a potential romantic relationship into a disaster. If you are into the man, be 100% clear about who you are and what you want, but be authentic and don't push for a relationship too soon.
- Even if you follow all the steps and imbibe all the tips, you may not feel that you have got the right man! This is because, neither you nor the man are unchangeable! The life itself changes and sometimes changes beyond imagination.
- Some women knowingly or unknowingly test their men by playing hard to get. Testing his courage and confidence for in person personal talk, committment to the courtship, relationship mending ability, intellect, and loyalty to her sometimes allows the best man to get to her. Men are not perfect beings so some women do not want to be an easy catch by playing hard to get to maintain respect for them and self respect. Starting a new relationship can be stressfull and difficult, and so this must be done very carefully. Remember playing hard to get only works if your contact information is known or is available, and when you do not dissapear for one to two years.
- Do not mislead; some women seem to act so friendly in business or professional meetings but were not willing to reveal their marital status. No one likes to be lied to. Reveal your personal motives as soon as dating protocol permits.
- Do not ask about his problems, failures, weaknesses and dislikes before marriage. For him telling these negatives can lead to a relationship disaster.
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